His Favourite T shirt.

I wake up in the familiar bed, covered in the familiar sheets - that he said he bought for ME, why else would a grown man want his room to be white? - and realised the first feeling I felt was insecurity. Basically, what is familiar to me has now made me insecure.

Reaching for something to wear other than the obligatory tiny clothes I wear to bed - this bit is fuzzy, was I even wearing anything at all, last night's dress in a lousy clump on the floor? - I searched the closet for a big T shirt to wear. 

2 1/2 years ago

I had just gotten out of the shower. Looking for a T shirt I could wear to bed as I have limited amount of clothing in this house. Combing through his t shirts, I came across a Superdry one. You know, one of those navy blue shirts with the velvety Superdry logo on it. The logo which has japanese words on it. 

"Why haven't I seen you in this before?"

"Oh I really like this so I wanted to reserve it for a special occasion. But now I'm just waiting to be less fat so I can actually fit in it again."

"The material is so soft! I like it! Are you sure you cannot wear this anymore?"

"Cannot la so fat already. Wear it then if you like it."

"But you said you were reserving it.." "Baby, you can have anything of mine because the thing I love most is you."

I laughed at this because he was being so silly. I put the shirt back -

"Eh I'm serious. Wear la b. I can't wear it anymore anyway. It'll be wasted sitting there."

"It's your favourite." 

"Okay you can wear it anytime you want okay? You can have everything I have and one day I'll buy you all the bags you want."

"What's the first thing you will you do for me when we have all the money in the world?"

"I'll send you for surgery to remove your bunions."

"Why is that the FIRST thing you'll do?" I say with narrowed eyes. He never did particularly show a dislike for my deformed feet before.

"Because I know you love wearing pretty shoes and they hurt you all the time. I want you to wear pretty shoes."

I laugh and throw a pillow at him. 

Back to the present

I shuffle through the t shirts and without actually looking for it, came across the Superdry t shirt folded at number four. 

I don't know what made me do it. But I pulled it over my head and shoulders. 

When he came into the room, he looked at me.

"WHY are you wearing this shirt?"

"I was just looking for something to wear and I just took this -"

"Don't talk shit. It isn't even the first one on the shelf."

"I just took it, I mean -"

"What the fuck, even I haven't worn this before and you dare to wear this first?"

"I -"

"TAKE IT OFF."

Without a second thought, I took it off. With one hand, I handed him the T shirt and with the other, I covered what I could of myself because it seemed wrong somehow to have this version of him look at me. 

Turns out I needn't have to because - 

He grabbed it from my hands, and after giving it a moment's thought, threw it in the laundry bin. And left the room. All without even a moment's glance at me.

x