Termination.

22 years old:

Waking up every day wishing this is not happening to you. Wishing this morning when you magically wake up, this thing inside you has vanished. When you realise it's still there, you cannot stop crying. You just want it gone, ASAP. 

27 years old:

Waking up every day wishing the father would change his mind. Wishing this morning when you magically wake up, the person next to you would tell you he wants to keep it. When you realise he still doesn't, you cannot stop crying. You just want him to say yes. Especially when he has said he would marry you about ten thousand times before.

His Favourite T shirt.

I wake up in the familiar bed, covered in the familiar sheets - that he said he bought for ME, why else would a grown man want his room to be white? - and realised the first feeling I felt was insecurity. Basically, what is familiar to me has now made me insecure.

Reaching for something to wear other than the obligatory tiny clothes I wear to bed - this bit is fuzzy, was I even wearing anything at all, last night's dress in a lousy clump on the floor? - I searched the closet for a big T shirt to wear. 

2 1/2 years ago

I had just gotten out of the shower. Looking for a T shirt I could wear to bed as I have limited amount of clothing in this house. Combing through his t shirts, I came across a Superdry one. You know, one of those navy blue shirts with the velvety Superdry logo on it. The logo which has japanese words on it. 

"Why haven't I seen you in this before?"

"Oh I really like this so I wanted to reserve it for a special occasion. But now I'm just waiting to be less fat so I can actually fit in it again."

"The material is so soft! I like it! Are you sure you cannot wear this anymore?"

"Cannot la so fat already. Wear it then if you like it."

"But you said you were reserving it.." "Baby, you can have anything of mine because the thing I love most is you."

I laughed at this because he was being so silly. I put the shirt back -

"Eh I'm serious. Wear la b. I can't wear it anymore anyway. It'll be wasted sitting there."

"It's your favourite." 

"Okay you can wear it anytime you want okay? You can have everything I have and one day I'll buy you all the bags you want."

"What's the first thing you will you do for me when we have all the money in the world?"

"I'll send you for surgery to remove your bunions."

"Why is that the FIRST thing you'll do?" I say with narrowed eyes. He never did particularly show a dislike for my deformed feet before.

"Because I know you love wearing pretty shoes and they hurt you all the time. I want you to wear pretty shoes."

I laugh and throw a pillow at him. 

Back to the present

I shuffle through the t shirts and without actually looking for it, came across the Superdry t shirt folded at number four. 

I don't know what made me do it. But I pulled it over my head and shoulders. 

When he came into the room, he looked at me.

"WHY are you wearing this shirt?"

"I was just looking for something to wear and I just took this -"

"Don't talk shit. It isn't even the first one on the shelf."

"I just took it, I mean -"

"What the fuck, even I haven't worn this before and you dare to wear this first?"

"I -"

"TAKE IT OFF."

Without a second thought, I took it off. With one hand, I handed him the T shirt and with the other, I covered what I could of myself because it seemed wrong somehow to have this version of him look at me. 

Turns out I needn't have to because - 

He grabbed it from my hands, and after giving it a moment's thought, threw it in the laundry bin. And left the room. All without even a moment's glance at me.

x

Because I like my hair and makeup today.

And it's important to document these things because I can look back at this post during times when I don't like my hair or makeup as much. Or at all.

On that heavy note, here goes the flurry of photos!

All photos were taken with iphone X and are all unedited. If anyone noticed the patch on my bottom right lip that's where I applied steroid cream for some allergy reaction. 

On another note, my Sephora haul. I CANNOT believe I have just tried using the Beauty Blender today. As a makeup addict, I am in complete shame of myself and have resolved to buy one in each colour because they're all so pretty! I kind of ruined this baby pink one by washing it with (extra virgin) olive oil and (hand) dishwashing liquid as I learned from the internet. I almost cried because the I love light pink. 

As for the skincare products, I won't really know whether or not it's good until a full month is up. That's normally how long I am told to use to see if the product has done any good to my skin. My skin has been a bit dry and makeup rather patchy recently (probably due to of my tapering down of opiates) and I'm doing all in my power to rectify it. Heard very good things about this genifique serum, so I'm trying the sensitive one out. Caudalie stuff and Naked colour corrector came recommended from a friend. I am very into face mists nowadays and everytime I use one I always look like I am sweating profusely WTF. Maybe that's why my makeup is patchy fml. 

I am going to list down all the products I used because I love doing this wtf. Face ALL DONE with beauty blender!!!

Face:

Laura Mercier Foundation Primer - Hydrating

Three Flawless Ethereal Fluid Foundation in 100

Urban Decay Naked Skin Colour Correcting Fluid in Peach

Make Up For Ever Ultra HD Concealer in Y23 Ivory

Chanel Poudre Universelle Libre in 10 - Limpide

Marc Jacobs Air Blush in Flesh and Fantasy 506

TheBalm Mary-Lou Manizer on nose and cupid's bow (might switch highlighter soon - mary lou manizer is super great, literally the best highlighter I have ever used - but I am concerned it is a bit too dark for my skintone. Shall consider switching to Cindy-Lou Manizer, mary-lou's pink cousin)

Eyes:

Shu Uemura Eyebrow Pencil in Seal Brown 02

Tarte Whisper as a base 

Marc Jacobs Cause A Fuss on lid

Marc Jacobs That's Why on outer corners

Marc Jacobs Hot Pants on inner corners

Bobbi Brown Intensifying Long-Wear Mascara on upper and lower lashes

Some Taiwan brand fake lashes I bought at Pavilion KL's Tokyo Street

Lips:

Canmake's lip concealer 

Gucci Luxurious Moisture-Rich Lipstick in 400 Hibiscus Thrill 

Just because, Reading: How Not To Be A Boy by Robert Webb. So far it has made my heart contract several times. 

That's all for today wtf. Ta! Lots of love to whoever's reading x

Psychiatrist vs Psychologist

So yesterday I went for my first session of therapy at Rekindle.

Obviously not sponsored (by the centre) because got billed RM585 fml.

Whilst I think therapy is a very American concept and I feel that the past should be in the past, my best friend (who really, really thinks she's British, having spent more than half her life in London) said "maybe it's because Americans are the only ones who have balls to admit they have issues?" and I suppose there's some truth in that.

From what I understand, the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists are as follows:

(Disclaimer: the differences that I am going to list out here are the differences I felt as an individual, I am sure you can get the more scientific differences with a light google search)

a)

• The psychologist is going to want you to recall things from your past and revisit those memories. This might cause pain to certain individuals who haven't gotten past traumatic events. For example, I cried when she told me to talk about my grandmother, the only person I felt have loved me no matter what I did or didn't do in my life. 

• The psychiatrist is going to want to treat what you have now, and is more interested in knowing what you are going through day by day that is affecting your ability to function as a normal human being, or as normal as you have been prior to whatever events that have brought you to see him/her. 

b)

• The psychologist told me "oh the last thing we would want to do is prescribe medication". (I guess that means no Xanax. Rm585 and not even a single drug.) 

• The psychiatrist will prescribe you medication ACCORDING TO YOUR NEEDS. Not just to fob you off (at least the one I am seeing and ethical ones) but will assess your situation with their professional experience so sometimes you have to trust them when they say you do need medication. If you want to go all holistic and herbal and alternative therapy then ok you can go see a psychologist. (In my very very humble opinion if you are so against taking medication that means you don't really want to get well. If you or your baby are having a fever that will not go down even after various "alternative" approaches would you not take any paracetamol? I rest my case.)

I think I can sum it up with:

Psychologists are for people with things that they cannot get over, an incident, grief, etc. 

Psychiatrists are for people whom have experienced these things but have graduated to the stage of moderate to severe depression, that has caused them to not be able to function in society. 

I know both are not mutually exclusive, there are places they both overlap and that place is your mental health. I think it's good if you can afford to see both, but if your depression developed for no reason at all ie not from a trigger of events etc, then therapy isn't going to help much i don't think. 

In any case, a psychiatrist will refer you to a psychologist if he/she thinks your case is better suited to one. 

Okay I hope I helped. 

Incidentally after my session at the therapist yesterday, I was too mentally exhausted to look at all the new things that arrived at my doorstep. That's therapy for you. Mind fucking. 

P.S: Everyone has problems. So how do you know which one you should pick? In my -  my - opinion, if you have problems but are still able to go about life albeit mechanically, and you feel you are depressed, perhaps see a psychologist first because there is more time available with a psychologist. Plus it is a very big leap to go from 'i am depressed' to 'i have depression' (another story for another day). Just remember that whichever you pick, if the healthcare professional feels you need further help, he or she should refer you. 

Living With Depression Part 1 of XXX

Happy New Year Everyone!

To be contrary, I have decided to write a post about what it's like living with depression. I will not attempt to sum it all up in one post so I am just going to write about what it's like to start your day when you have this affliction. 

Pre treatment and proper medication, waking up with depression was like having a huge fight within myself. I would wake up at 5am, ingesting whatever drugs I felt would stimulate me to get through the day, and steer myself for 2 hours so that I could start getting ready at 7am. And this would work 30% of the time. 

The rest of it, I just went back to sleep. 

Weekends would just be a drug binges - getting back to sleep, waking up, taking more drugs, going back to sleep, rinse repeat cycle. I don't have a profound thing to say like "oh I just wanted to escape reality it was so painful I couldn't deal". I don't have a good enough reason to have done that to myself. I just did. 


Post treatment and proper medication, waking up with depression is still an effort. I still need to give myself a reason to get up. An incentive. Nowadays it's getting to try on my new skincare and candles. Then getting up is a positive thing. 

However I still struggle sometimes, not wanting to wake up because there isn't really a reason to. Those times, I choose. I don't look at waking up as waking up to a whole new day; I look at waking up as just going to the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and start prepping my skin with the new skin stuff I bought. A new serum, a new lip balm which looks super cute with Mario on it with a metallic blue cap, a new face mist. Or to continue using old things because they are things I love. That is my motivation. Shallow to most, but hey, it works.  

I think I'll end here today. 

This is what it's like waking up with depression for me.